ADVICE: AUNTIE AGNI

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Hi Khala jaani,
I got married four years ago and have two kids. Me and my family have always lived in a city and prefer city life over living in the village. When I was getting married, my parents made sure that I live in the best conditions after my marriage. They even rejected a good proposal from the village.

My present in-laws assured us that, even though their business is located in a village, they have always and will continue to live in the city. But after our marriage, my husband moved over to the village saying that now is a bad time for their business so we have to move. I compromised and went with him. But after having my kids, I could not live there, as I did not want that lifestyle for my children. So I came back and started living with my in-laws. They always mistreated me and took me as a maid. Also my husband’s behaviour has never been good with me. He always ignores me and is always the ‘taker’ in the relationship and not the ‘giver.’ He cannot shift his business to the city and I cannot move to the village. I have so many problems living there, which my husband ignores and is forcing me to live with him. Moreover, my husband’s sister’s house is adjacent to ours and her intrusion is frustrating. Her kids have no manners and my children pick up bad habits from them. I do not want to live there, nor do I want to end this marriage. I have tried living there once with my kids despite the problems, but my husband’s behaviour with me was really bad. (Fact: This is my husband’s second marriage and the previous one was a love marriage.)

I have no clue as to what can be done and I am really worried. Right now I am living with my parents, trying to figure out a solution.
Clueless

‘I do not want to end my marriage’

Dear Married,
The big lesson in your story is for everyone on the verge of getting married. So if you are about to tie the knot, listen and listen hard: you have no clue what situation you will confront as a couple. Life will throw curve balls, because that is what life does and so the main attitude to adopt when getting married is: we will get through it no matter what. That is the foundation of all successful, long-term marriages.

A modern successful couple is one that prioritises each other and thinks of themselves as a team that will stick together when problems arise. If you have any doubts about your holding power with a partner-to-be, delay your big day and work on yourself till you get there. In a world where YouTubers like David Dobrik are trivialising marriage by getting hitched impulsively with their best friend’s mom, the seriousness of the institution needs to be reinforced regularly. Marriage is not like dating, where you can end the relationship and move on. It is about the lives of the couple, their children and their respective families. Any imbalance can lead to a major upheaval. It truly is no joke. This is not to say that there are no circumstances which justify the ending of a marriage. Divorce exists for those truly irreconcilable differences, but it should be absolutely the last resort.

In your situation, you are not thinking of your husband and yourself as a team. You are thinking me vs him and that is why both of you are miserable.

The two of you have to sit down and decide what is good for you as a family, rather than ‘this is what I want’. You have to work out a solution and compromise that works for both of you. It could be frequent trips back and forth from the village, because the children need better quality education which is available in the city. It could be that you decide to move to the village so that the children are near their father and you have a chance to nurture and heal your marriage. An outsider cannot give you the one right answer or solution that will work for both of you. It is something that the two of you have to come up with. What Auntie can advise you to do is to think as a team. Here’s a problem, let’s think of a solution that works for the children and us. Whichever partner makes the greater compromise, must understand that it is for the greater good of the family.